I love my children fiercely.
Jenny always says that the day Tee was born her heart starting walking around outside of her chest. I completely agree. September 2nd, 2009, something changed in me. My world is forever altered by the deep, rich blessing of children. I am so proud to have three little lives that so wonderfully shape me, sanctify me, make my heart burst with gladness, and bring me unspeakable joy every day.
I also have a new capacity for pain. sadness. hurt. To see Brooks or Reese hurting is a sharpness that I, as their mother, take on with them. Especially at age 2. Life is so simple for a 2 year old. Beautifully simple. We wake up, we talk about sleepytime and Daddy and Jesus. We eat. We play and laugh and swing and nap. The necessities of happiness in the life of my twinkies seem so easy: Reese loves her sparkles and pink-a-ma-baby and puppy and blanket. As for Brooks, it was just his blanket (with attached special tag).
Saturday morning, Stephen took Brooks on a few errands including a local car wash. Somehow in the cleaning out/car washing process, Brooks lost his blanket. Stephen spent 45 minutes scouring dumpsters and trashcans and then called me, totally defeated with the news that the blanket was lost. Immediately, I drove to the car wash determined to find it. After another 45 minute search through towels, dumpsters and trash cans, I left. Weeping.
Why couldn’t we find it? How could I drive away without it? How could I let him down?
My heart is still broken.
Even now, as I am typing, there are tears streaming down my face.
Sleep has not come easily since we lost it, but we are transitioning. We have a replacement for him with a tag and everything. He talks about the frogs that jump, jump, jump all across his “new blankie”, but still cries out for his old one.
In the midst of his sadness, I am so broken. As he gets older, I see how he is beginning to change and grow up oh-so-quickly and with the loss of a blanket, I see a beginning to the loss of his innocence. And it all happened so abruptly. Since yesterday afternoon, he has seemed older to me. Oh, the heartbreak of losing my baby and watching him grow into a boy!
I will not forget this experience. I am marked by the sadness. And the growing pain of watching my little boy change in front of my eyes.
Friday morning was so enjoyable. They were in their new Christmas PJs and Daddy was making them laugh sooo much. I grabbed my camera.
I will cherish these images of my little B with his blanket and special tag and laughter. Cherish them forever.